I really enjoyed this, and all the questions you raise. Whatever decision a woman takes about whether to have children, and how many, she will feel social pressure to justify it. We all have that in common, no matter what we decide. The decision is personal, and hard as this is, I don't believe that anyone else should influence it. If you have a life partner and you cannot agree on this matter, you might have to have a parting of the ways, since both of you have the right to decide. My personal view is that deciding whether to bring another human into the world, and whether you are the right person to do it, is complicated, and should not be taken lightly. Women should not feel that they must respond to external pressures, or entertain impertinent questions or interference on the matter. I think part of the interference is what I believe is now termed FOMO: in this case, trying to validate one's own decisions by questioning those of others. We should just make our own choices and let others do the same. I feel strongly about our freedoms, and I think that on this particular issue, we would benefit from saying "tell it to the hand" a bit more!
It's true...I've become more confident about that, but it's so hard! And then there's the opposite, where I love how much more open I've become with people I feel comfortable sharing our thoughts in regards to children/mothering/etc. The world has also changed a lot and I think some people don't want to see this change.
Passing on advice to others can be a good thing as long as one realises that they don't have to take it. We women should not buy into it. Yes it is difficult, but I doubt that a person trying to influence your life choices would appreciate you doing the same to them. I am putting out an article on Friday that looks at how neurodiversity might have something to teach us about the female predicament!
I couldn't agree more, Jules! The way we allow society to still question how women make decisions over their own bodies and reproductive issues baffles me. There always seems to be someone with an opinion over what you 'should' be doing at any given age, and the older I get, the more I realise that the questioning and 'advice' never stops! As you say, we need to get better at stopping people in their tracks, though I think this does get a bit easier with age.
I've been thinking about how similar the words for "mother" and "father" are in totally unrelated languages lately. Amazing that you brought that up in the beginning of your piece.
Thank you for this. It would never have occurred to me to find time for something as 'self-indulgent' as an MA in Biography and then writing a book while my three children were little. Instead I nearly killed myself trying to compete with all the ambitious young men in banking. Thank goodness I found a partner who encouraged me to do what made me happy, and had the financial security to let me. Now that I know how fulfilling I find writing, I feel terribly sorry for artists and authors who do find small children cramping their style. For a Victorian take on the problem, I wrote this! https://open.substack.com/pub/harkness/p/mrs-oliphant-the-patron-saint-of?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android
I think you will enjoy Kate Jones on the podcast then! Your article looks interesting -- I've pegged it for a careful read and will comment on it soon.
Beautiful article, dealing with so many aspects and key points! It definitely resonates lot with my current situation and, better said, near future!
I am interrogating myself a lot and I think freedom is not impaired by kids, theoretically, and you will keep being what you are. However, the society you live in, its mentality, the childcare and general support are key. Or practicality and somehow the brutal nature of the 24 hours in one day and your resources will prevail. Hard.
What a great piece, Kate! You have covered so much here; it requires a second reading, I think. As we have discussed previously, I have a lot of ideas and interest in parenting (or not), and mothering (or not) in particular, especially when it comes to also being a writer or artist.
The issues you raised with regard to the cost of daycare/childcare is a real problem here in the UK also, as is often the quality of the care in some cases. Childcare workers (as with other caring professions - often predominantly carried out by women) are paid pretty poorly in the UK, despite the high cost to parents, which always rankles. I think Zadie Smith's piece in particular is pertinent to these issues, as is this ridiculous idea of questioning the 'ideal' number of children to have. I am frustrated (but not really surprised) that you were quizzed over whether you wanted children in your thirties, or your choice to have only one child. I know this is the experience of many women. I read an interesting interview with Jennifer Aniston a while ago on the topic of speculation over her inability or choice to not have children, and it did make me think how awful it must be to be in the glare of public opinion about something so personal and possibly painful. (I'll link the interview here; although a lot of it is flattering photos and gushing praise of Aniston, it does contain some pertinent relevance to the discussion!) https://www.allure.com/story/jennifer-aniston-december-2022-cover-interview
Fantastic, Kate. Thanks for your thoughts on this in addition to all the wonderful ideas everyone can hear live on Thursday :)
For the Childlessness article, I do mention Aniston but not this article specifically. I love how confident and sexy she looks in the photos whilst sharing what she's been through. It's so shocking the way the media (and probably a lot of the public) have treated her. It's easy to say just don't worry about it, but really so impossible. I feel confident in my choices and family, but occasionally comments still throw me. I think the world is going in a more open/supportive direction though...
I really enjoyed this, and all the questions you raise. Whatever decision a woman takes about whether to have children, and how many, she will feel social pressure to justify it. We all have that in common, no matter what we decide. The decision is personal, and hard as this is, I don't believe that anyone else should influence it. If you have a life partner and you cannot agree on this matter, you might have to have a parting of the ways, since both of you have the right to decide. My personal view is that deciding whether to bring another human into the world, and whether you are the right person to do it, is complicated, and should not be taken lightly. Women should not feel that they must respond to external pressures, or entertain impertinent questions or interference on the matter. I think part of the interference is what I believe is now termed FOMO: in this case, trying to validate one's own decisions by questioning those of others. We should just make our own choices and let others do the same. I feel strongly about our freedoms, and I think that on this particular issue, we would benefit from saying "tell it to the hand" a bit more!
It's true...I've become more confident about that, but it's so hard! And then there's the opposite, where I love how much more open I've become with people I feel comfortable sharing our thoughts in regards to children/mothering/etc. The world has also changed a lot and I think some people don't want to see this change.
Passing on advice to others can be a good thing as long as one realises that they don't have to take it. We women should not buy into it. Yes it is difficult, but I doubt that a person trying to influence your life choices would appreciate you doing the same to them. I am putting out an article on Friday that looks at how neurodiversity might have something to teach us about the female predicament!
I couldn't agree more, Jules! The way we allow society to still question how women make decisions over their own bodies and reproductive issues baffles me. There always seems to be someone with an opinion over what you 'should' be doing at any given age, and the older I get, the more I realise that the questioning and 'advice' never stops! As you say, we need to get better at stopping people in their tracks, though I think this does get a bit easier with age.
You're right, Kate, it does get easier as we get older... thankfully!
What a great piece of writing.
Thank you, Mike!
I've been thinking about how similar the words for "mother" and "father" are in totally unrelated languages lately. Amazing that you brought that up in the beginning of your piece.
So funny when that happens!
Thank you for this. It would never have occurred to me to find time for something as 'self-indulgent' as an MA in Biography and then writing a book while my three children were little. Instead I nearly killed myself trying to compete with all the ambitious young men in banking. Thank goodness I found a partner who encouraged me to do what made me happy, and had the financial security to let me. Now that I know how fulfilling I find writing, I feel terribly sorry for artists and authors who do find small children cramping their style. For a Victorian take on the problem, I wrote this! https://open.substack.com/pub/harkness/p/mrs-oliphant-the-patron-saint-of?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android
I think you will enjoy Kate Jones on the podcast then! Your article looks interesting -- I've pegged it for a careful read and will comment on it soon.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
Your article looks like something I would definitely be interested in Sarah - I will check this out later : )
Beautiful article, dealing with so many aspects and key points! It definitely resonates lot with my current situation and, better said, near future!
I am interrogating myself a lot and I think freedom is not impaired by kids, theoretically, and you will keep being what you are. However, the society you live in, its mentality, the childcare and general support are key. Or practicality and somehow the brutal nature of the 24 hours in one day and your resources will prevail. Hard.
Thank you, Elisabetta!
Ah, the constraints of time. So hard. But then sometimes I find it propels me TO ACT.
Good luck :)
What a great piece, Kate! You have covered so much here; it requires a second reading, I think. As we have discussed previously, I have a lot of ideas and interest in parenting (or not), and mothering (or not) in particular, especially when it comes to also being a writer or artist.
The issues you raised with regard to the cost of daycare/childcare is a real problem here in the UK also, as is often the quality of the care in some cases. Childcare workers (as with other caring professions - often predominantly carried out by women) are paid pretty poorly in the UK, despite the high cost to parents, which always rankles. I think Zadie Smith's piece in particular is pertinent to these issues, as is this ridiculous idea of questioning the 'ideal' number of children to have. I am frustrated (but not really surprised) that you were quizzed over whether you wanted children in your thirties, or your choice to have only one child. I know this is the experience of many women. I read an interesting interview with Jennifer Aniston a while ago on the topic of speculation over her inability or choice to not have children, and it did make me think how awful it must be to be in the glare of public opinion about something so personal and possibly painful. (I'll link the interview here; although a lot of it is flattering photos and gushing praise of Aniston, it does contain some pertinent relevance to the discussion!) https://www.allure.com/story/jennifer-aniston-december-2022-cover-interview
Fantastic, Kate. Thanks for your thoughts on this in addition to all the wonderful ideas everyone can hear live on Thursday :)
For the Childlessness article, I do mention Aniston but not this article specifically. I love how confident and sexy she looks in the photos whilst sharing what she's been through. It's so shocking the way the media (and probably a lot of the public) have treated her. It's easy to say just don't worry about it, but really so impossible. I feel confident in my choices and family, but occasionally comments still throw me. I think the world is going in a more open/supportive direction though...
I certainly hope so! But as you say, even when you feel confident in your own choices, it can still throw you off when someone questions them.
Looking forward to listening back to our conversation - it was so much fun to get a chance to talk about these issues!
Yes! I used to write with my son strapped to my chest!
Absolutely!