Wow. Here's another article you've written that almost feels was conjured up by a magic algorithm based on what's been going on in my life lately. I wasn't sold on the idea of having kids, and yet my wife and I recently discovered that we're going to be parents sometime in December. I've been going through mental warfare playing out the decisions in my life that have led me to this point, and to the fact that a future without children is now closed to me, and how I really feel about it. So naturally my eyes were glued to the screen as I read this. Great piece.
Thank you for this post, Kate. As we have discussed before, these are all ideas that interest me and my research into women. I cannot - and have never been able to - understand the need for others to get involved in other people's life choices or relationships. I have heard relatives "question" why a couple hasn't had children yet, and I don't get the "selfish" tag at all! What could be less selfish than choosing (if it is a choice) not to being a child into the world, for whatever reason. It must be so painful if you also want children and are subjected to this type of questioning. As always, you have made me think this morning!
Regarding books, Sheila Heti's 'Motherhood' might be of interest.
I'm not really sure where to start in typing out this comment and so I'm just going to ramble through this whilst holding back some emotion. This article is important to me and I'm glad you've written about it. I've read your others in this series, if it's OK to call them that, but didn't leave any comments because, well, I couldn't directly relate I suppose.
I write here under a pseudonym (although it's probably not hard to work out who I am) and so I feel more comfortable penning this down. My wife and I are childless, though not by choice. After turning 40 this Feb, I've spent a lot of this year wondering whether I will be OK if we remain that way. I know that we, as a couple, will be totally OK, but I just mean what impact it might have on us in the future on wondering on the children we never had, if it eventuates to remain that way. All the while all of our friends (the vast majority, anyway) and siblings have families. You start to question everything, then you start to question whether it's for a reason, etc etc. It can be hard.
Family haven't helped in piling on pressure without understanding circumstance, and we haven't been open to them because it has been something that we've felt is private between us. I wish they could have been (would be) more understanding, especially for my wife, because of course she feels that burden, despite the fact it is shared.
It's very comforting to know there are more and more discussions and considerations about growing older into communities that share being childless or childfree or whatever ends up being the most appropriate term to use (I've never actually considered what term to use, but your post made me stop and think). I really appreciate you sharing some stories, too. It was/is awful what the media did to Jennifer Anniston. I had no idea about Michelle Yeoh (I didn't watch her Oscar speech. So happy she won, though).
Anyway, thank you for this article. I appreciate it and you for writing it.
I would like to use this opportunity to shill my friend Maxine Trump's documentary To Kid or Not to Kid, where she looked at her circumstantial childlessness and made documented her decision whether to have children to be child free. Basically making it her choice either way.
In the course of the documentary she looks into child free groups and talks to people who can't have children to get their perspectives on what it means to live without having children.
Thought-provoking post, Kate. I never really thought about childlessness in relation to men, so this was an interesting read. On women who are childless, Victoria Smith in her recent book Hags talks about the weight of the 3 'F's that women live under in our patriarchal society, without which they are demonised: fuckable, feminine and fertile. Once you're past childbearing age, you're none of those things, and if you don't have offspring you're also useless. It's a fascinating book, which has given me a lot to think about in my middle age.
I love stories about childless women. City of Joy by Elizabeth Gilbert comes to mind. When I was going through IVF in my late 30s, I would have loved all this talk around childlessness. All I had in Australia were IVF forums which were full of women who were on their 2nd and 3rd babies. It was terrible. I googled for years just to find more women who knew what I was going through. Today, I see this conversation opening up, and that means that going people will begin to question what they want. This conversation should not be about the childless. It should be about why people choose to be parents. Every choice is valid. Including the one to stop trying.
It reminds me of one online encounter I had with an older Australian feminist academic maybe 10 years ago. She'd never realised there are women who don't want children. I was gobsmacked. All the classes she'd taught, all the women she'd encountered, and she assumed everyone of them was the same as her. I told her first and second wave feminists such as herself made it more possible for women like me to make choices, including the choice to not have children and to cope if it's not a choice. But this life was always possible (if more difficult) in earlier times. Like mountain climbing. Just because I have legs, and can move them doesn't mean I am required to use them to climb Everest. Similarly, just because my body perhaps could give birth, it doesn't require me to do so. Also, plenty of people without working legs do make it up mountains and become parents. I've never been particularly interested in Everest or kids. I shouldn't be demonised by society nor ignored by policy makers for either situation.
However, imagine if having children was more like mountain climbing, where mountains are protected sacred spaces, and people making the climb required training, physically, mentally, and spiritually so as to make it up and back and also to value the achievement. Imagine a world where all children were precious and cared for by willing, capable parents in a loving society that made space for every person to follow their goals. Imagine the freedoms we'd all enjoy if people were celebrated for only making the climb if they really wanted to, after being informed of everything it will take to get there. And those unable or uninterested in mountain climbing are supported and equally valued. Perhaps that way children wouldn't be living in rubbish heaps or murdered in schools, and those without children wouldn't be criticised or questioned. Because I have plenty of questions for people with children who hurt them. So maybe, until globally we become a place that values children (no child will live in poverty by 1990 said one Australian PM, and lol that didn't happen) we need to stop with the hate and blame towards any one not having kids.
Thank you for such a thoughtful article, Kate. As a childless woman, and having had two cat companions for nineteen years, I’ve encountered questions and presumptions. But, quite often, there isn’t just one reason why you don’t have a child, but rather a series of reasons. I was actually first asked why I didn’t have a child at the age of eighteen (at a family party). But, I’m so impressed by the parents I know. They are just amazing!
I have so enjoyed your series on parenting. This subject can make people feel very isolated, whatever their situation, and it is so important to see this subject treated in a rational manner. I will just summarise my view: 1 Now that women have control over their fertility, it is their choice and their choice alone as to whether they have babies. 2 A man also has the right to choose whether to become a father and should not be pressured into it. 3 The concept of selfishness in this context is irrelevant. The decision is too important for the individual to be distracted by the expectations of others. 3 Questioning someone else's choice on this complex and personal decision is an impertinence.
I'm not keen on either the term "childless" or "child free". They imply either a lack, or a freedom from something, which I think commodifies the child. They are also imprecise. You may not have given birth but be surrounded by children on a daily basis for whatever reason.
Does it have any value to categorise people in this way? I think that might be the key. We like to categorise people in an attempt to make sense of them, and I think that human beings are just too complicated to be reduced to an assessment of their reproductive capacities/inclinations, or indeed any other decisions they make in life. To live is to be presented with a series of decisions: we decide, we move forward. I don't tend to regret major decisions because I know I will have made the best decision I could at the time based on the available data. Whatever you decide there will be advantages and disadvantages, so I think the best thing to do is to appreciate the good bits of the decision you have made and keep moving forward.
Wow. Here's another article you've written that almost feels was conjured up by a magic algorithm based on what's been going on in my life lately. I wasn't sold on the idea of having kids, and yet my wife and I recently discovered that we're going to be parents sometime in December. I've been going through mental warfare playing out the decisions in my life that have led me to this point, and to the fact that a future without children is now closed to me, and how I really feel about it. So naturally my eyes were glued to the screen as I read this. Great piece.
Thank you for this post, Kate. As we have discussed before, these are all ideas that interest me and my research into women. I cannot - and have never been able to - understand the need for others to get involved in other people's life choices or relationships. I have heard relatives "question" why a couple hasn't had children yet, and I don't get the "selfish" tag at all! What could be less selfish than choosing (if it is a choice) not to being a child into the world, for whatever reason. It must be so painful if you also want children and are subjected to this type of questioning. As always, you have made me think this morning!
Regarding books, Sheila Heti's 'Motherhood' might be of interest.
I'm not really sure where to start in typing out this comment and so I'm just going to ramble through this whilst holding back some emotion. This article is important to me and I'm glad you've written about it. I've read your others in this series, if it's OK to call them that, but didn't leave any comments because, well, I couldn't directly relate I suppose.
I write here under a pseudonym (although it's probably not hard to work out who I am) and so I feel more comfortable penning this down. My wife and I are childless, though not by choice. After turning 40 this Feb, I've spent a lot of this year wondering whether I will be OK if we remain that way. I know that we, as a couple, will be totally OK, but I just mean what impact it might have on us in the future on wondering on the children we never had, if it eventuates to remain that way. All the while all of our friends (the vast majority, anyway) and siblings have families. You start to question everything, then you start to question whether it's for a reason, etc etc. It can be hard.
Family haven't helped in piling on pressure without understanding circumstance, and we haven't been open to them because it has been something that we've felt is private between us. I wish they could have been (would be) more understanding, especially for my wife, because of course she feels that burden, despite the fact it is shared.
It's very comforting to know there are more and more discussions and considerations about growing older into communities that share being childless or childfree or whatever ends up being the most appropriate term to use (I've never actually considered what term to use, but your post made me stop and think). I really appreciate you sharing some stories, too. It was/is awful what the media did to Jennifer Anniston. I had no idea about Michelle Yeoh (I didn't watch her Oscar speech. So happy she won, though).
Anyway, thank you for this article. I appreciate it and you for writing it.
This really hit home. Thank you for including a male perspective on this.
I would like to use this opportunity to shill my friend Maxine Trump's documentary To Kid or Not to Kid, where she looked at her circumstantial childlessness and made documented her decision whether to have children to be child free. Basically making it her choice either way.
In the course of the documentary she looks into child free groups and talks to people who can't have children to get their perspectives on what it means to live without having children.
https://www.tokidornottokid.com/
Thought-provoking post, Kate. I never really thought about childlessness in relation to men, so this was an interesting read. On women who are childless, Victoria Smith in her recent book Hags talks about the weight of the 3 'F's that women live under in our patriarchal society, without which they are demonised: fuckable, feminine and fertile. Once you're past childbearing age, you're none of those things, and if you don't have offspring you're also useless. It's a fascinating book, which has given me a lot to think about in my middle age.
I love stories about childless women. City of Joy by Elizabeth Gilbert comes to mind. When I was going through IVF in my late 30s, I would have loved all this talk around childlessness. All I had in Australia were IVF forums which were full of women who were on their 2nd and 3rd babies. It was terrible. I googled for years just to find more women who knew what I was going through. Today, I see this conversation opening up, and that means that going people will begin to question what they want. This conversation should not be about the childless. It should be about why people choose to be parents. Every choice is valid. Including the one to stop trying.
It reminds me of one online encounter I had with an older Australian feminist academic maybe 10 years ago. She'd never realised there are women who don't want children. I was gobsmacked. All the classes she'd taught, all the women she'd encountered, and she assumed everyone of them was the same as her. I told her first and second wave feminists such as herself made it more possible for women like me to make choices, including the choice to not have children and to cope if it's not a choice. But this life was always possible (if more difficult) in earlier times. Like mountain climbing. Just because I have legs, and can move them doesn't mean I am required to use them to climb Everest. Similarly, just because my body perhaps could give birth, it doesn't require me to do so. Also, plenty of people without working legs do make it up mountains and become parents. I've never been particularly interested in Everest or kids. I shouldn't be demonised by society nor ignored by policy makers for either situation.
However, imagine if having children was more like mountain climbing, where mountains are protected sacred spaces, and people making the climb required training, physically, mentally, and spiritually so as to make it up and back and also to value the achievement. Imagine a world where all children were precious and cared for by willing, capable parents in a loving society that made space for every person to follow their goals. Imagine the freedoms we'd all enjoy if people were celebrated for only making the climb if they really wanted to, after being informed of everything it will take to get there. And those unable or uninterested in mountain climbing are supported and equally valued. Perhaps that way children wouldn't be living in rubbish heaps or murdered in schools, and those without children wouldn't be criticised or questioned. Because I have plenty of questions for people with children who hurt them. So maybe, until globally we become a place that values children (no child will live in poverty by 1990 said one Australian PM, and lol that didn't happen) we need to stop with the hate and blame towards any one not having kids.
Thank you for sharing these reflections and bringing up the topic. I belong to one of these groups and I just wrote about it today. https://open.substack.com/pub/acabinetofcuriosities/p/you-know-that-scene-from-alien?r=bu9kr&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Thank you for such a thoughtful article, Kate. As a childless woman, and having had two cat companions for nineteen years, I’ve encountered questions and presumptions. But, quite often, there isn’t just one reason why you don’t have a child, but rather a series of reasons. I was actually first asked why I didn’t have a child at the age of eighteen (at a family party). But, I’m so impressed by the parents I know. They are just amazing!
I have so enjoyed your series on parenting. This subject can make people feel very isolated, whatever their situation, and it is so important to see this subject treated in a rational manner. I will just summarise my view: 1 Now that women have control over their fertility, it is their choice and their choice alone as to whether they have babies. 2 A man also has the right to choose whether to become a father and should not be pressured into it. 3 The concept of selfishness in this context is irrelevant. The decision is too important for the individual to be distracted by the expectations of others. 3 Questioning someone else's choice on this complex and personal decision is an impertinence.
I'm not keen on either the term "childless" or "child free". They imply either a lack, or a freedom from something, which I think commodifies the child. They are also imprecise. You may not have given birth but be surrounded by children on a daily basis for whatever reason.
Does it have any value to categorise people in this way? I think that might be the key. We like to categorise people in an attempt to make sense of them, and I think that human beings are just too complicated to be reduced to an assessment of their reproductive capacities/inclinations, or indeed any other decisions they make in life. To live is to be presented with a series of decisions: we decide, we move forward. I don't tend to regret major decisions because I know I will have made the best decision I could at the time based on the available data. Whatever you decide there will be advantages and disadvantages, so I think the best thing to do is to appreciate the good bits of the decision you have made and keep moving forward.